To the important person I come across in life…

The first time we met was at an unlikely place to find love. The second time we encounter each other you saw the worst state of me. Yet, you’re not bothered by it. I guess that’s what I like about you. After that I never saw you again. Four years later, our paths come each other across once more. I thought I had strayed into a dream but it turns out this moment… was for real. One glance changes everything… I tell Allah that it’s okay that I don’t get a chance to talk or… be friends with you. I just want to see you...

Allah works in many mysterious ways and His plans are unknown to us. All in all, I am glad to see you again. My days were numbered and I know time here to where you are is limited. Every day, I prayed to get the chance to see you… whether it was during lunch break or going back from work. I wanted to get the chance to know you and probably talk to you. Well, that moment never came. Who can tell what goes on in the future… I rest my love to Allah.  He knows what’s best for us than we know of it ourselves. You and I were from different backgrounds and faith. It broke my heart. Still, the feeling never left. The day for me to leave arrived. I searched for you… hoping to get the chance to see you again. For one last time… I don’t know if there will ever be the chance for me to see you again and to tell you so here it is. You had me at the second time four years ago. You never have left my heart ever since.

Though you never noticed me, I was always there… praying for you. To me, you were the best thing that happens in my life and I’m glad to be able to meet you again and fell in love with you. Meeting you again, I was able to learn the meaning of love and letting love go… Love is a peculiar thing… yet, it becomes the thing that everyone desires. If it was meant to be, love will find its way back to you. If it isn’t, then pray to Allah that may your heart be at ease…. My dear, I hope you found what you’re looking for and I pray that May life treats you well… I wish you all the luck in the world… I pray that may both of us get the love and happiness we deserve.

Should… your path connect with someone else… I pray that may she loves you more than me. Although I might not be the soulmate that Allah chose for you, I hope the woman whose gonna be your soulmate never makes you sad. Love is all about responsibilities and connection. Love her with all your heart and learn to accept the good and the bad things about her.  Support each other during the worst of times, the good times and the happiest of times. 

May Allah bless….

Of Broken Dreams...

Assalamualaikum & Good Day Everyone...

Funny how things goes around in this world. If you want to start something you gotta have a backup plan. In other words, your financial status needs to be well, top notch. Truth is, whenever you want to start a business, continue your studies and all, you need money.

I came from not to say poor but not that rich either family and i know what its like having nothing. Eating a piece of cheese tart was already considered a luxury for me. As i got older, i realize that i need to do something about my life. Growing up watching my classmates having fun and get to do what they want, its sort of a little depressing but I understand my circumstances very well. That's why i don't like asking money from my folks. Even when my friend asked me to hang out with them, its either a can do or stay at home like i always do. No need to ask about my social life since i don't really experience much.

The thing is, recently, i had a talk with my mother about continuing my studies. I recently finished my degree and for the very first time i wanted to actually do something i want. Not something that my folks expected me to do. Three years ago i gave up my one and only dream to learn medicine and healthcare management. It broke my heart completely . I understand that the reason was they also do not have any financial means to help me. That i accept and so began my road of broken dreams. In the end i took the degree that i hated the most (something that they want me to do).

Three years later, i finished my degree and was thinking of furthering my studies. The thoughts of learning medicine and healthcare management still lingers in my head. It never left. I got the chance to learn them first hand when i was undergoing my internship at a local hospital a few months ago. I remember the time when my supervisor as well as some of the lecturers from the faculty frowned upon my place of choice. I don't care. Why the healthcare sector? they asked. Some say it's like walking in a lion's den and signing a death contract but to me, it's not really. It's another exciting thing in life waiting to be explore.

Being a person that likes challenges and can work under pressure, everyday was exciting. True the workload wasn't easy. Majoring in other degree besides medicine or healthcare management, tackling the work was a struggle itself. But, because its something that i love, I was able to learn everything in a short span amount of time. As days go by, there was always something new to learn and explore. I got lucky... I was content and lucky enough to be able to learn everything that there is to know about the hospital, how a hospital works, how it runs and how the management of the hospital was managed. I was happy and I never felt so content with everything. Simply to say, I fell in love the idea of healthcare management and medicine even more.  I like working in the healthcare sector.I always knew i was destined for this type of profession and i found what i want to do and my dream job.

After i finished my internship, i took the guts and expressed my feelings to my folks about taking a second degree but something related to healthcare. As usual, the pep talk begins and i do have to say, some of it were right but some were just plain negative talking. At the rate that this family was going, we don't have money or any other means. My brother and sister are starting their semester early this month and the their fees are not cheap. To stay alive, they did a few business such as selling food from door to door at their hostel. I use to do that during my diploma days just to get by.

I told my folks that i will get a job first and save for continuing my studies later. The thing is, they do not understand. They said that i need to come back to reality. Good Lord...I'm not crazy mom, dad. I'm still that sane daughter of yours okay. They want me to stay home and find work here and if i wanted to continue my studies, they want me to study at the local university here as well. How can i achieve my dreams if they're too afraid and don't want to let me go and explore the world? They're always nag me to explore the world and achieve my dreams but when i do they protest and says that i should just stay home and find work here. Majoring in healthcare and medicine IS my dream and i really, really want to do it. Just because they didn't get to achieve theirs that doesn't mean that they have the right to destroy mine. They destroyed my life once and I don't want to be like them NO!

I'm torn with achieving my dreams and what my folks want. I don't want to upset them but i don't want to give up my dreams either. For once, i want to achieve my goal. The broken one, the one they told me to forsake.... 

If it's about money they're worried about, I can work my way hard in order to save up or even apply for scholarships. I'll do what it takes to fix our financial issues. Nothing is impossible and nothing is unattainable. There's always a way. One just need to know the right road to take. I know they're worried and all but how can i grow if they don't trust me to do things by myself? How can i make them understand? For once, i really want them to support me in this...

It's been a long day and i'm so tired. Literally, my brain is with all the thinking... 
till next time. (-_-.)....

Ya Allah, Engkau lembutkanlah hati kedua-dua ibu dan ayah... 

Moga redha mereka terhadapku mampu membuatku mencapai impian yang dikehendaki....

19 days,10 months & 2 years...

Have you... i mean., really... really find yourself getting attracted to someone you've just met in a span of five days in total? You don't know what's their name or who they are yet in your heart when you see them... you feel as if you've already met them for a long.. long time...

Crazy isn't it? .... or is the definition of crazy might just mean something else here? Hmm... I don't know...  I can't tell... Can you actually fall for someone at first sight?

As the story goes... You met this person at an unlikely place to think that you can find love but yet again there you are.... with them. 

I guess being attracted to someone and being in love with someone are two separate things. When liking someone, you feel happy and calm upon seeing them. like a friend for example. But, when you're attracted to someone, the feelings are a bit mixed up like something you never could think of. Yes, it made you cannot think straight. 

I don't want to call it love though because this kind of thing is complicated. For some unknown reason, you found yourself attracted to them. Whatever they do seems to be attractive in your eyes. You're attracted to their sense of humor, their beautiful personality. The way they treat others, the way they treat you. 

Then comes the getting to know part. You want to know everything about the person you're attracted to. What they do during their past time, their hobbies and all that. Now here's something unusual can kick in. If you're a hardcore stalker to the bones, then its better for you to stop or things can get ugly. But if it's for the sake of getting to know them, then i guess its okay to move on.

Oh, then you suddenly found out that their preferences matched yours!.... rather perfect actually. As you sit in one corner of the bed thinking (while staring at the ceiling or walls whatever counts) should you go and make your move? You always try to at least strike up a conversation. one word or two is fine. You wanted to be their friend. that was enough. You try to avoid being seen smiling like an idiot when in their presence (even if they don't notice you being there).

Then, reality kicks in saying that a person like you will never be able to fit in with those type of person.... No, no. There's completely nothing wrong with you whatsoever. its just that... you think too much plus you started to lose your confidence much to your displeasure but then again you did lose your confidence. And so, in the end opportunity slips away from your fingers. 

Oh, well... in life there are times we are lucky and there are times where we'll end up  the worst down the list of shame. In the end, you decided to forget and move on.... and so love slips away...

... 2 years passed ...

The fact that you still can't forget about them... does it mean that you actually falling for them?... for real?... What should you do? you asked. Should you go halfway across the world and find this person back... or continue your life the way it is now? 

You don't have the answer... Your heart says go but your mind says no... You don't really know... You feel like crying because... you miss them. yeah... you started to miss them. literally like all the time... Still... you found yourself cannot do anything about it. in the end you  only ended up missing them from afar... 

The only thing that keeps you holding on to this love of yours is through your prayers... 

If the love between you is meant to be... 

love will find its way back to you. 

no matter how far two people are separated, 

if its meant to be... 

they will be together again...

Of life before and then for the future...

Assalamualaikum & Good Day To You Dear Readers...

It's been a while since i last write something in this half empty blog of mine. Well, earlier this year I've been rather busy with my final year project and all. In the middle of the year, i', battling by making a thesis as well as presentation. Alhamdulillah, i managed to pull it through with good scores =) (Thank god)...

Looking back at everything so far, its been a great and bitter sweet journey for me. I owe it all to Allah... The good, the bad, and everything else.... There are reason why things happen and its purpose is something we might not actually understand now, but in time, we will...

I am, safe to say right now actually, in my final semester for degree. For the past three months now, i am undergoing internship training at a local healthcare facility. To tell you the truth, my qualifications are nowhere near medical. Its more toward management actually. Why a healthcare facility of all places my supervisor asked? Let's just say that i am making up for the things I've lost along the way. A lot of my classmates picked a company or organization that pays. I on the other hand, was the only one that didn't.

Originally, i didn't pick the degree that i'm doing now but i actually set on a health management related degree. I only had to change it because my parents sort of forced me. Oleh kerana tak mau ingkar dengan Ibu Bapa, i did as they told me to.

For once, i want to do things I want and not my parents or anyone will stop me... and, i'm glad i managed to do it... i did it.

Life at the healthcare facility isn't boring but it its not exactly entertaining either. It's a bit of a both really. There are days where its a happy day and there are days where you just get the blues. Well, being an intern i don't really get to do much except to assist the officers in charge to do various management related things. The reason is there are also things that outsiders are not meant to touch or do. Confidential stuff. How am i to write my log book if i don't do any work? Well, my solution is easy, instead of waiting for work to come to me, i will find the work. From there i try to learn as much as i can. At the same time, i have another final report to finish and a system to be made.

Good thing I managed to create an easy system for the department i was attached. I was lucky enough as well to learn from the experts and other staff from other department as well. If i can't do much work here, I will learn by asking questions. To me it's okay to be stupid for five minutes rather than being ignorant for life. Internship isn't only about learning new things or gain knowledge. The experience you get is priceless. I learned a lot from it. Other than that, the joy of helping people and to see their smiling face... it's priceless.

I'm fascinated with the healthcare world be it management and medical and the experience i gain was more than enough. I also get to see how things work and handled and how a healthcare facility is run. People here work together as a team and  as a team, we are acquire to achieved the goals of the organization. The more i learn the more i am fascinated by the things around me here. I don't really mind people calling me peculiar for smiling and in awed of just practically about everything all the time. I don't mind becase... I'm where i want to be.

I never felt this way before. It made me question of all the things that i do for the past few years. Why did i chose this degree? why didn't i follow what i wanted? I know what i wanted....Some things are just meant not to be answered. Now, is not the time to wonder but a time for intervention. I'm not getting any younger and at least before i die i want to be able to do something that i'm glad to be able to do. I don't know what the future holds but what I know is that if i don't do something about my life, it's a dark thought just thinking about it. I thought of getting another degree but in healthcare. The road is tough but this is something i'm willing to take a risk. Financial issues was one of the reason i had to let go of the degree that i was meant to take. I'll worry about that one later but for now, i have future to seize!

My days at the healthcare facility are numbered... the more i try to resist everything, the harder it was for me to feel to let go. I'm in love with everything about healthcare and i'm glad to be able to experience first hand just about everything. I'll never stop learning. InShaaAllah, One day, if it's the will of Allah, i will return...  not as a patient though, but as a worker. That's the dream... Amin...

Please pray that may all goes well for me....

Happy Chinese New Year 2016

To those  who are celebrating Chinese New Year, (^_^)

I wish you and your family a very Happy Chinese New Year & Happy holidays!!. May this year brings you blessings, good fortune & joy 

smile emoticon smile emoticon smile emoticon

Sometimes...

Sometimes... i wish you know feeling of what i went through the last 18 years... 

I may not be the  person that fits your taste in an ideal woman .. still...No one wants to be an option either....  I may not be proud of my past but i am grateful to everything in the present and want the best for my future..

That's why I'm stepping back away from you. Though it's painful but i believe in Allah and His plans for me. All in all, i'm grateful that i can meet you once more in this life. Even if you don't know me anymore, I never did forget about you. I wish you all the best in this world and the hereafter... May Allah bless you and your family...

Till then...

Restriction....

Assalamualaikum & Good Day Everyone...

Ever wonder if you are actually doing the right thing in life?

I do... lots of time... countless...

As I countdown for the coming of the last month of the year 2015, i cannot help but think of the things that i have achieved so far.... so far... none...

for nearly 8 years my life has been prepared for me and i have to do what i am told to do, literally all my life....

To tell you the truth... i don't like it. I don't like it one bit....

Ever since i started this road i felt like i'm beginning to be something that i don't want to... It's like living in my diploma days.. again.... I hate it. In fact, i'm restricted to do the things that i want to do. I'm passionate about the things i know i can do better and good at. Sadly, my folks & family are not the supportive type of people. Whenever i try to do something I want they held me back. What are you guys afraid of? I'm not doing something illegal. I'm doing something that i love and passionate about. Is that so weird? It's not, its call creativity and innovation. I don't care. I love doing it. Even if it kills me I love doing it and if Allah wills it for me, i want it to be a career.

All my life i have to do what they want. I know they mean well but don't they think that i ought to choose this path in life for myself instead of them meddling literally in almost every choices that i make. In the end I became insecure and ended up doing what they want me to do instead of doing what i want. They expect people like me to be like all the smart, classy and elegant type of youngsters. Study a good degree and get a good job that will give you money. What they don't understand is not all of us have gifted brains and not all of us are lucky in life. I have bad, horrible, no good days almost every day.... It sucks... (-___-)...

Because of all of that... I feel tired to the part that i am lost. Not lost as in the streets but more to lost in life... I don't know what to do anymore and which road i need to take...  I'm in my 6 semester to my agony an extended student.

I am so tired of them telling that I should, no, i must do this, i must do that. I feel like i'm living a life that is not mine. Mother, Father.. i know you mean well but i think i am very much grown up to do my own decisions. I am no longer a little child but a grown person. it make me sad that they don't trust me the way i trust them....

Watching all my fellow friends and acquaintance graduated, get a job as well as do what they love and success at it make me feel so envious of them. All my life my parents never really did teach me how to live but only expect me to do what I am told.

Don't you guys understand? i cannot do that. The thing is, too long i follow what you want and for goodness sake, I had to give up my own dreams. I have dreams and i have hope in it. I want to be successful in doing what i want to do. I know so because its something that i am happy to deal with and i know that it will be successful. With Allah's help and guidance, i know i can achieve something great.

At least before i reach 30++ i want to do something that i know i can do well ... I just wish they understand... not turning me into something that I don't want to be...

I overcome many things till i got this far all because of you... Because i don't want to disappoint you i ended up disappointing myself and did not do well in the end. I fail hideously... I felt i'm beginning to suffer from depression day by day. My dream is starting to feel like it's slipping away. I don't want that! I too want to be happy and led my life the way i want it to be. All i want is to do what i want instead of what you want.

Don't you want to see me happy?
Don't you want to see me successful?

I wish you support me..

I wish you understand...

I wish you let me do what i want to do...

I wish you give me your blessings..

but most of all...

I wish you pray for the best of me as i pray for the best for you...